BeefStakes 2004 Official Rules


Gerhard J. Petzall, Jr.; Eric D. “M” Waggoner


Wm. Max Abromowitz


1. Each participant must keep an updated log of all beef consumption (starting January 1, 12:01 am, Greenwich time), and email said updated log to the Judge on a weekly basis unless the Judge, at his discretion, allows otherwise. This log shall be sent by Friday, midnight, Greenwich time, unless otherwise noted in advance. If illness, madness, incapacity or technical difficulties unexpectedly prevent the participant from sending the log in any given week, the participant shall email the log to the Judge thereafter as soon as possible.

2. The participants’ log entries shall specify the type of dish/delivery system through or by which he consumed the beef and, to the best of his knowledge, the total mass of the beef portion (in grams or ounces). The participants shall not be required to weigh the portion if a scale is not conveniently available for this purpose. The log shall note the (local) time each portion was consumed, and the day/date of consumption. Each act of consumption (meal) shall be recorded in a separate log entry.

3. The Judge shall, at his discretion, provide a real-time calculator of each participant’s official total logged mass. Such calculator shall be posted on the official contest website, and shall be made accessible to both participants.

4. Beef incorporated into a medium in which the beef is considered a significant ingredient by mass, but whose exact amount is unknown or unknowable (i.e. hotdogs, polish sausage, franks, gyros, etc.) shall automatically be recorded by the participant in the log entry as 1/4 the total mass of the medium.

5. A beef medium in which the beef is considered an insignificant ingredient by mass, but whose exact amount is unknown or unknowable (i.e. jello, beef broth) shall be recorded by the participant at 1/1000th its total mass. The Judge shall, thereafter, independently determine the total mass amount of the beef to be added to the participant’s running total. In so doing, the judge may utilize all sources of information available to him. In making a determination in such a case, the Judge shall in writing inform both participants of the nature of the decision in the form of a general administrative rule (i.e. “The total amount of beef in beef broth is .003 grams per gram of broth” or “the composition of beef in Elmer’s Glue is .00005 grams per gram of consumed glue”). Such administrative rules may not be appealed by either participant.

6. Veal (whether new-born calf meat or fetus meat) shall be considered beef.

7. Beef brains and beef spinal cords shall be recorded by the participants in their log entries as twice their actual mass. All other beef organs shall be recorded by the participants as their actual mass.

8. Beef ingested by a participant then subsequently expelled by vomit or other means may be recorded in his log. Beef ingested by anyone, then vomited by that person, and then subsequently consumed by a participant, shall be counted only insofar as any portion of the expelled beef remains undigested.

9. Mass in all cases shall be mass as consumed (not, in the case of cooked beef, pre-cooked mass).

10. Water produced in the cooking of beef and drained or evaporated from the beef being cooked shall not count as beef. Fat removed from beef, whether manually or through a cooking process, shall not count as beef.

11. Verified incidence of cheating shall result in automatic forfeiture.

12. These rules may be amended at any time with the consent of both participants and the concurrence of the Judge. The rules may also be amended by Judge acting solely, at his own discretion. There can be no appeal to any decisions or amendments made by the Judge.

Judgment Requirements:

1. On the basis of the rules above, the Judge shall, at his discretion, decide upon a winner. In administering the challenge, the Judge shall retain the right to issue any additional administrative rules necessary, in his judgment, to effectively adjudicate the challenge, even if such additional administrative rules are in conflict with any of the rules stated above. In so doing, the Judge shall, at his discretion, inform both participants in writing of any such administrative rules.

2. The Judge reserves the right to consult with other individuals in rendering judgment, as long as such other individuals are unrelated to either participant by blood, marriage, adoption, or prior sexual or business (or sexual business) relationship.

3. If, after review, the total amount consumed by both participants appears to be equal, the contest shall be called a draw, with no prize awarded.


1. The loser shall pay for the published announcement of the winner's victory in the winner's local (citywide) paper of greatest circulation (or else in some other publication with the Judge’s consent) on or before Friday, June 30, 2005. The Judge shall also be recognized in the announcement. If the winner does not have a fixed place of residence on January 1, 2005, the winner shall select an alternative city from which to publish the announcement.

2. The loser shall choose the manner of advertisement (personal ad, full-page ad, letter to editor, etc.) and the description of the victory shall be of the loser's choice, but shall not contain any language deemed obscene or offensive within the winner’s jurisdiction (or, in the event the winner does not have a fixed place of residence on January 1, 2005, within the alternate city), or to the winner.

3. The text of the announcement shall be at least 47 words in length.

4. The text of the announcement shall be published in English.

5. A professionally framed copy of this newspaper announcement, signed by the loser, shall be provided to each the winner and to the Judge, both at the loser’s expense.

6. From the moment the contest is decided by the Judge until 11:59 pm, December 31, 2005 (Greenwich Time), the loser shall address the winner exclusively in all direct oral communications, and in all written correspondence, as “Your Majesty”. During this time period, in communicating with third parties orally or in writing, when referring to the winner, the loser shall refer to the winner exclusively as “His Majesty”, or “the Beef King”, or “His Majesty the Beef King”. Further, during this time period, in all such written correspondence addressed to the winner, the loser shall end the correspondence with the words “At Your Majesty’s service. Long live the Beef King”.

Limitation of Liability:

If, in the course of participation in the 2004 Beef Consumption Challenge, or as a direct result of beef consumption during such challenge, either participant contracts any beef-borne illness, including but not limited to e. coli or prion-related diseases, such participant shall hold harmless the other participant and the Judge from any liability related to contracting the illness or medical costs thereby incurred.